Caught in the In-Between

I often feel like I am stuck in the in between parts of life. The in-between of letting my hair grow and getting a haircut. The in-between of feeling sick and feeling healthy. The in-between of having goals for my life and accomplishing them. The in-between of needing others and being independent. Most of these things are inevitable in life and will come and go over and over again. But often these “in-between” stages leave me feeling stuck.

One of my favorite musicians, Jon McLaughlin, has written many songs that speak to me in the various parts of my life. One song, however, truly speaks to the “in-between” that I find myself in. In fact, it is where I came up with the title for my blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eWDZqc7lCc

She would change everything, everything, just ask her
Caught in the in-between of beautiful disaster
She just needs someone to take her home

I often find myself in this place. I would change everything if someone asked me or even told me to. This often makes it very difficult to know what I actually want. Don’t get me wrong, I have dreams for my life. Big dreams. But I am often caught between supporting the dreams of others in my life and pursuing my own. I have never completely abandoned my dreams, but sometimes I find myself putting them on hold while helping someone else figure out theirs. I don’t want to be the kind of person that changes everything at the expense of her own dreams. But I also don’t want to change the person I am. So again, I am caught in the in-between. The in-between of changing everything for others and changing everything for myself. And that is a recipe for disaster.

Do we need to completely avoid the in-betweens? I hope not. If that’s the case, I am doomed for disaster. The funny thing is that we often talk about the mountains and valleys in faith and in life. Few sermons or Christian discussions spend a lot of time specifically addressing the in-between. So when we are feeling stuck in that in-between we often try to take short cuts to the mountain tops or slip and fall into the valleys because at least those are familiar, right. Because the thing is, even if we are in the in-between on our way up, we sometimes can’t see that the path we are on is actually going anywhere.

While we figure it out we have to learn to encourage and be encouraged. My mom, one of the strongest and smartest people I know, encouraged me to be open to encouragement. Often times when we are stuck in the in-between it is hard to accept anything outside of our perception. When I feel like everything is falling apart, the hardest part is often allowing myself to change my perception of the situation. Allowing myself to be encouraged by others, even if I can’t fully process their encouragement in the moment, has helped me to climb out of the perception of the in-between to the perception of living in the moment. Sometimes encouragement comes in the form of affirmation that I am doing a good job, that I am on the right track, or that it’s okay to be me. Sometimes I need to be reminded that I am a “beautiful disaster”. Someone that doesn’t need to be fixed, but someone that requires grace, just like anyone else in the in-between and out of it.

God, are you home? Are you listening?

For a long time I have felt like I have a long distance relationship with God. It isn’t that I feel like He was far away all the time. It is more that I feel like I can talk to Him every day and we can visit each other, but if there is an emergency He might not be able to be there. At least not right away. It was helpful for a while to actually be in a long distance relationship because it showed me how distance did not make me care less or think about the relationship less. The problem was the exhaustion surrounding the attempt to make the distance shorter. To be honest, in my relationship with God I often expect that I need to do the moving, that I am the one that is far away, and that I need to move closer to Him in order to take that next step in my relationship with Him. I put so much pressure on myself to figure out the next step and to get there as soon as possible. I volunteered. I went to classes. I became what I thought the “ideal” Christian would look like. But nothing that I could do seemed to make any difference. I thought that if I am asking, seeking, and knocking, just like Jesus said, that God would show up. Sometimes I just felt like I was being annoying.

I work with several children who have a goal to get someone’s attention appropriately. Working with kids one-on-one makes this very difficult because they have my full attention a majority of the time. But sometimes, even though I am right there to respond to every request and comment they make, they feel the need to yell “HELP!” or grab my arm and drag me to whatever they want or need. I don’t think it is annoying, but I attempt to teach them more appropriate ways to get my attention. Whether it is by tapping my arm/shoulder, using my name, or simply waiting until I am able to fully attend to them before they show me something, this is one of the more difficult things to teach. For some kids it is not motivating to get someone’s attention because, frankly, they have someone near them all of the time (or they would rather fight to the death to try to do it themselves than involve another person). For some kids, screaming and dragging someone by the arm has worked long enough for any other method to be motivating.

I feel like I am the same way with God. I knock on his door over and over again and scream “God! Are you home??” or sometimes simply “HELP!” And I often only do this when I need Him or when I don’t feel like He is there. I also often think that my life isn’t important in the grand scheme of what God has to deal with on a day by day basis. I fight to the death trying to do things myself, because, let’s face it, I feel like I have control and can accomplish things without bothering God to help a girl out. I don’t think that He is trying to teach me a more appropriate way to get His attention. I think He is trying to show me that I already have it. I learn over and over again that I actually don’t have control over things in my life, even my relationship with God. I try to control my relationship with Him by assuming the responsibility of reaching out to Him, inviting Him into parts of my life, and countless other religious traditions that I partake in. As much as I love to invite God to my quiet times, small groups, and worship sessions in church, I feel like that need to invite Him only solidifies my lack of understanding that He is already there. He tells us that He is ALWAYS with us. So why do I feel the need to try and control our relationship by inviting Him to where I am at?

To be honest, I have realized that a lot of the “Christian speak” that we do in our Christian culture and a lot of the ways we think God relates to us is more for our individual benefit than for the benefit of the relationship. I don’t think that we need to stop relating to God in these ways, but I do think that we need to think outside of the box. Jesus did tell us, “Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.” (Matt 7:7 NLT). He treats us like a father treats his children, like a friend, not like a boss. Sure, we feel like we are being annoying (at least I do), but sometimes we have to learn to trust God enough to let Him take on the things in our life that we bring to him over and over and over and over and over again.

One kid comes into therapy 3 times a week, and almost every day he goes straight for the snack cabinet to request a piece of licorice. We have found that licorice is not only motivating for him, but it helps to calm him. Often times we wait until allowing him to have the licorice, not because we are trying to be mean or because we don’t know what he wants/needs, but because we are trying to teach him something new. We want to teach him other ways to calm himself down, other strategies for communicating, and new things that he may not have been able to do before. Some days he gets the licorice a lot sooner than others, some days he goes almost the entire hour without the licorice. Each day he is there, though, we make sure he knows that we are on his side and there to help him. I’d like to think that I am learning this lesson with God

For me, my licorice is relationships. I crave them. So whether I am spending time with friends, talking to my family on the phone, or chatting online with people, I go into every day seeking out relationships. Relationships are motivating for me, but they also calm me down when I am anxious and give me a sense of security that I can’t seem to find when I am by myself. I have realized recently that I have idolized my relationships. Not that I have made golden statues of my friends and family, but I have put my relationships with other people before my relationship with God. In realizing this, I was devastated. I tried various strategies to get back on track with my relationship with God. I spent time reading my Bible, I listened to a Christian music station on Pandora, I wrote in a journal. I honestly believe that God has brought me to this time in my life to wait. Wait for Him to pursue me. Wait for Him to calm me down and be my motivator. And sometimes it sucks. I hate waiting. I want to keep moving. I want to know that when I am knocking the door will be opened immediately. I don’t believe that God will leave me out in the cold (especially living in Minnesota), but I do believe that sometimes His response is wait.

So where is God in the waiting? To be honest, I am still figuring that out. But I do know that He is there with me, and He is listening. I have to trust in that.

Be Sad.

In times of suffering I have received lots of advice. Some of these words of wisdom have helped me move forward, some have helped me grieve, some have been just words that go in one ear and out the other. Something that I have heard several times in these times of suffering that has honestly been one of the most helpful pieces of advice is “Be sad.” This advice didn’t launch me forward to the next phase of life. It didn’t change or even question my past or the event that brought me to this place. It simply gave me permission to live in the present and be okay with how I felt.

Working with kids can be stressful because they often can’t communicate with words how they are feeling. We often try to identify why kids are feeling sad or mad or even happy without actually identifying their emotions and letting them just feel them. The overuse of the common preschool teacher phrase “Use your words” has instructed kids that that when they feel something, may it be excited or frustrated, they need to explain themselves. In some cases, allowing kids (who are able) to take a moment to ask for what they need or explain their feelings is really beneficial for them and for us as their provider and confidant. But sometimes they just need the opportunity to be sad or mad or even excited without having to explain why.

I am realizing that we are often the same way with God and with each other. At least I am. I call several people pouring out my feelings, explaining and justifying each moment of confusion, frustration, or sadness. Unfortunately, I often wait until I have talked to at least 3 or 4 friends or family members before I go to God. Then, I will spend hours in prayer explaining how I feel and justifying my anger, frustration, and despair. It’s almost as if I think God doesn’t know why I feel the way I do in that moment. Sometimes this crying out to God is therapeutic for me, especially being a verbal processor. These prayers allow me to put it all on the table, make my list of grievances, and explain to God (and sometimes myself) why I am feeling so broken in that moment. Sometimes it gives me the illusion that because I can explain my feelings, I am ready for the next step in the process of moving on. Often I am not.

I was working with a kid who would get upset a lot while I was working with him. Being non-verbal, he could not “use his words” to explain to me why he was so upset. This is not an unusual circumstance in my line of work, but for some reason this kiddo was especially difficult to figure out. Sometimes I could understand his frustration and try to prevent certain frustrations from happening. Many times I had very little control over the circumstances. It was to the point where the time that I spent with him was starting to make me anxious, so I took a step back and let him lead a majority of the time that I worked with him. After months and months of trying new strategies and countless minutes and hours of anger and frustration dealt with by head banging and fists flying, I was ready to just give in to all that he wanted so that he wouldn’t be so frustrated. In several moments of desperation, I tried to simply identify his feelings. I repeated over and over “You are mad” and “It’s okay. I know you are mad. You are okay.” It seemed to me like these simple words calmed him, at least enough to stop his physical reactions to that anger.

I am not a miracle worker or a child whisperer. I cannot always understand why kids act the way they do, but sometimes in my efforts to get them to communicate or understand me I have to take a step back and let them know I understand them. I am learning each day that I am just like a child, needing God to just let me know that He understands me. I sometimes don’t want to explain why I am feeling a certain way. Sometimes I can’t. But just like a child, I need God to say to me “You are sad. It’s okay. I know you are sad. You will be okay.” These words not only let me know that He understands how I feel but they give me permission to live in the moment of sadness.

I cannot prevent the inevitable frustrations for kids. To some degree it is comforting to know that I can have a bigger impact helping kids learn to identify and cope with their feelings than I would have simply eliminating frustrations from their environment. Being a friend is the same way. We can’t eliminate frustrations for each other, but we can be there to help identify feelings and cope with hardships. God doesn’t want us to suffer, but He does want us to know that He is present through our sufferings, no matter what we feel. And to be honest, as much as I think I want to know what His plan is for me so that I can move on, I really just want to know that He will be there no matter what I am feeling. That He will not deny me blessings because I am not ready to learn something from suffering. In fact, I think most of what I need to learn at this point is how to just be sad and be present with Him.

So how am I going to handle seasons of suffering? I am going to let myself be sad and know that God is saying “I know you are sad. It’s okay. I am here.”

Objective Progressing.

Ever since I started my job as a pediatric speech pathologist, I have been inundated with goals, objectives and strategies working towards getting kids to communicate more effectively. Sometimes it involves getting them to say words so others can understand them, other times it involves helping them understand what is being said to them. The range of possibilities for creating more effective communication keeps my job interesting, and my brain constantly challenged. Most of the time I can gauge a kid’s abilities and create goals that will demonstrate progress in 6 months to a year. Other times I feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants hoping that whatever strategies I am using are effective and whatever goals I have for each child is attainable. But for each child, no matter how much I try, I cannot say with absolute certainty when and how their goals will be met.  I am starting to feel the same about dating.

I used to feel like I had the beginning stages of dating down pat. There are various areas of dating where I feel I have enough experience to draft attainable objectives regarding relationships. However the challenges that dating brings have taught me that no objectives or goals can prevent challenges, problems, and the seemingly inevitable broken heart. So does that mean I give up on my “long term goals” of pursuing a relationship? For now, maybe. Forever, probably not.

Fortunately, I don’t have to prove to anyone, even myself, the progress that I am making regarding relationships. I don’t have to send bi-monthly reports to God updating him with my progress towards specific objectives regarding my ability to be in a relationship or even maintain one. He already knows. He doesn’t need to see that objectives are met or progressing to continue to provide me with His love and His hope. And fortunately for me, God doesn’t have a treatment plan to get me back on track. He doesn’t need me to show progress to have a plan for me that will bless me. He does promise that He will be with me always, and that He does have a plan.

Occasionally I have parents that come to me and ask if certain areas of communication can be addressed in their child’s treatment. As the “professional” I often look at these requests in terms of what is functional for their child at this point. Some goals can’t be addressed right now. Some things in life are just like that. In relationship “crises” many people will take on the “professional” role and give advice or words of wisdom. Some of these words are functional for my life, sometimes things can’t be addressed right now. And the waiting is what can be the hardest because there is no set time limit on how long the waiting will last.

I often use the word “wait” with kids as we move from one activity to another or as we take turns with others. I don’t make kids wait because I enjoy wrestling them as they anxiously jump to the activity of choice…believe me immediate gratification for these kids would sometimes be worth not getting a head to the chin or an elbow to the chest. God uses this word with us too. We often respond similarly, kicking and fighting and anxiously attempting to jump ahead to what He has planned next. But sometimes He just says “wait”.

I haven’t been really good at waiting. I am often a slave to how I imagine things could be; which makes waiting especially difficult.  Sometimes imagining how things could be pushes me to dream big and pursue those dreams. Sometimes it just makes me a slave. God wants more for us than to be a slave. He wants to be our Father, our confidant, our provider. He knows the desires of our heart and He has a plan to fulfill them. He wants us to trust that He can, and He will.

So as I look over the goals and objectives I have for each of my clients, I look at their next steps realizing that communication doesn’t happen overnight. I also realize that the same goes for relationships. Whether it is my relationship with family, friends, a guy, or even God, I can’t expect that God’s plan will unfold overnight. Sometimes we meet our objectives. Sometimes he gives us new ones. And sometimes our objectives are just progressing and all we have to do is trust in God and wait.

2 year olds say “no”; 20-somethings say “yes”

I’m a people pleaser to a fault.  I am the girl who doesn’t know how to say the word “no” unless it’s accompanied by “it’s okay, I’ll do it.”  In fact, I know that on several occasions people have asked me to do something simply because they know that I cannot say no.  I wish I could say that on occasions where I know that I am being taken advantage of, that I am able to say no more easily, but that’s not the case.

It doesn’t help that I come from a long line of people pleasers.  I have a mother who was a part of every parent group at our school, who cooked every dinner every night while we lived at home, who helped with homework, and who came to every event that we had throughout school.  She still tends to take on more responsibilities than one person should have.  I also have a grandma who always cooks for an army, who has guests over as often as she can, who volunteers to take care of anything that she can, even if it requires driving 5 hours just to be in town for 24 hours for one event.  Needless to say, I’d like to blame genetics for my inability to articulate “no” when I want to.  So if someone ever locates the genetic make-up for people pleasing, please let me know.

For two and three year olds, the opposite seems to be the problem.  Just step into any preschool classroom and you’ll hear a chorus of “no” ringing throughout the classroom.  If you ask any preschool teacher, speech therapist, or mother, “no” is one of the words children seem to learn how to say way too early.  Sometimes, I honestly think it is easier for preschoolers to articulate “no” than it is to articulate “yes,” and other people who have studied language development and speech sound acquisition would have to agree with me.

For these children, I also feel like a part of the reason “no” is used so often and so easily is because the word “no” comes with a lot of power.  From the eyes of a preschooler, there is still a lot you cannot control.  Adults give you food, help you change, decide your routine.  Saying “no” gives you a sense of control over even the littlest things.  Children realize at an early age that the ability to communicate will help them get what they want.  Saying “more” or “mama” can make more cookies appear or make mom give you attention.  Saying “no” on the other hand has the power to make things go away.

So what brings about the change from the ever-present “no” to the constant agreeing “yes”?  All I know is that both can get people in a lot of trouble.

When it comes to being asked on dates, it’s hard for me to say no, even if I know there will never be a date number two.   I’m the girl who always says yes.  Sometimes, I’ll admit, outside of the dating world it’s because I want to have some sort of feeling of control.  Where saying “no” gives preschoolers a sense of control, saying “yes” for me makes me feel like I’m in more control.  Inside the dating world, however, I have no idea why I can’t bring myself to say no…maybe it’s out of habit. Maybe it’s that whole “people pleasing” piece.

So should I be taking notes from the preschoolers that I interact with on a regular basis?  Probably not.  After all, preschoolers are usually protesting to something that is generally good for them, things like vegetables, projects, taking a nap, etc.  In my case, I’m pretty sure that saying “yes” is actually more detrimental to my self-esteem.  Sure, not every date is horrible, not every experience is life-altering; however when you are like me and have enough “bad date” stories to entertain people for an evening you tend to lose hope that saying “yes” will lead to something more than a waste of time and energy.

I feel like a part of my agreeing to go on these dates is a mixture of an attempt to prevent myself from becoming an absolute cynic and an attempt to maintain some sort of hope in men.  They can’t all be bad, right?  I have seen successful relationships, so I know it is possible. But will it ever be a part of my reality?  Before I burst out in my own rendition of Snow White’s “Some Day My Prince Will Come,” I have to give myself a little bit of a reality check.

Myth: Prince Charming is waiting right around the corner.

Fact: If a guy is waiting right around the corner, I am pretty sure that’s called “Stalker” not “Prince Charming.”  I may say yes to various opportunities to go on dates, but to the guy who has followed me around and is now waiting on the street around the corner, I’m pretty sure I could muster up a “no.”

Myth:  You know a guy is the right one because he will be perfect.

Fact: No man can ever measure up to the princes depicted in Disney films, at least not all the time.  He may, however, have those qualities that make him a more ideal partner than other guys. No man can be perfect, so having that kind of expectation from the beginning can only bring disappointment.

Myth: One clue to finding the right guy is the “spark” that you feel.

Fact: What may be interpreted as a “spark” one day could disappear as quickly as it came. “Spark” can more often be defined as a halfway decent kiss after months of not being kissed /being kissed by other bad dates OR that rush you get when you are actually able to carry on a conversation with a date instead of being bored to tears. If this doesn’t satisfy you I suggest you take in a dose of He’s Just Not That Into You and watch the seen where the concept of the “spark” is explained http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yarinkmsD_s.

Myth: If I say yes to them all I’m bound to find the right one, right?

Fact: Taking every opportunity offered might be encouraged in an academic or work setting, however in terms of relationships this is ill-advised. Where some might think that every yes is leading you closer to the “one,” I believe that every “yes” (at least in my life and the lives of several women that I know) has led to the careful placing of more bricks onto the wall that separates us from getting deeper into the meaningful relationships.  Sure some yeses may only lead to the placement of a small brick, but amongst the boulders that have a possibility of making their way onto the barricade those small bricks can make a big difference. I by no means am suggesting that you “swear off dating” or as one Christian author put it “kiss dating goodbye.” Instead, I am encouraging you to only take the opportunities that show potential for learning, growing, and a future that promises a little more than a bottle of wine, ice cream, and a Lifetime movie. Not every yes in this case will offer a safe, secure future, however you might be saved from an overwhelming amount of experiences that could be labeled “really, that just happened.”

Climbing to new heights

For any teacher who has had the wonderful experiences of bringing their students on field trips, you know that as much fun as it is to have some time outside of the classroom these are often the days where your stress level sky rockets and you desperately hope to have wine or beer in the fridge at the end of the day.  Keeping track of all the children, hoping that they stay interested enough to last the extent of the trip, making sure you are on time for the bus…all these things and more change fun field trip day to “I hope I restocked my purse with ibuprofen” day.   On some occasions, I feel the same way about dating.

I’ve been on dinner dates, lunch dates, coffee dates.  I’ve gone snowboarding, played catch, gone to sporting events.  Although I appreciate the opportunities I have to try new things and take a step past awkward dinner conversation to going and doing something fun, sometimes those more “exhilarating” date options feel like a field trip.  Although there tends to be fewer opportunities for awkward or awful conversation, these dates are by no means safe zones from the bad date category.  Part of it is probably the company.  As I have detailed in previous posts, I have a tendency to attract guys with limited social knowledge and situations with high potential for awkwardness.  That combination tends to be lethal to the possibility of second dates ever being an option.

Last year, I went on a first date that had potential.  Yes, based on most of my previous experiences this isn’t a feat, but nevertheless I will admit I was interested.  A good friend of mine had practically set us up, so my anticipation of complete failure was lowered greatly.  It didn’t matter that after date 1 (which was fairly impressive considering) he all of a sudden led a super busy life causing him to partially fall off the face of the earth.  It also didn’t seem to matter that our communication was limited to random text messages that barely invited further conversation.  I was too caught up in the possibility of a second date after the seeming success of the first one to notice the post-first date indications of failure.  So when he invited to me to rock-climbing, I jumped at the opportunity.

Now before I re-count this blog-worthy date, I should preface by saying that he called the day before to set the date.  It actually made it seem more legitimate considering he called to make the plans instead of texting.  For what it’s worth, I had a little hope.  So following all date protocol he picked me up, engaged in friendly conversation, and paid for me to climb.  Since he is a seasoned climber and I haven’t climbed since high school, he went to climb while I went through newcomer’s orientation.  All was going fairly well.  I was having fun trying this new activity, he was showing off his skills and letting me know the tricks to move from one hold to the next.  Sure it wasn’t easy, but it was way more fun to have a conversation thinking that prolonged silences were due to concentration on the task at hand rather than limited conversational skills.  I was once again reminded, however, that social skills extend beyond the ability to take part in a conversation.

The first indication of his social inability came when we ran into two girls that he went to college with.  Now, I’ll admit I have been in his position before where I’m out with a guy and I run into someone I know from some past experience, so I am not discounting the awkwardness that can be felt by all parties.  In my experience though, you at least do the courtesy of introducing the two parties if you intend on making conversation.  I did not get this courtesy.  In fact, I was stuck standing behind him while he chatted with these girls about their jobs, college memories, and future plans to climb (which he eagerly invited them to join him in).  I felt a little slighted, but I wasn’t going to let this get me down.  I didn’t want to turn another date into a story to entertain people with.  I was determined to turn this around.  Luckily, the girls noticed that I was standing there with him and finally introduced themselves, helping me feel a little better.

I was proud of myself for trying to live out the attitude of looking for the good in situations instead of dwelling on the negatives.  Soon enough I realized that I was actually living out one of my philosophies that you can’t control what other people do, you are in charge of making your own choices.  I often used this philosophy with older students who blamed other kids for the bad decisions they made.  Here I was again in the position of teacher.  A fun rock climbing activity was turning into another game of chase, except this time it was confined to the walls of rock climbing facility.  I followed him around, doing one climb after another as he “encouraged” me to try new climbs with phrases like “just do it” and “it’s not that hard”.  Finally, after a few climbs he offered to belay me on one more climb before we called it a night.  Although I was tired, I was determined to push myself and try…I was also hoping to make a good impression of a girl who doesn’t give up.  That was when the date officially went down the toilet.  One of the girls came back to chat as I was climbing.  It wasn’t such a big deal, except that as I had more and more difficulty reaching the next hold he grew more and more obviously impatient.  At one point I asked for him to let me down, and he refused.  His friend tried to encourage me, but no matter what I did, I couldn’t climb any higher and I couldn’t get down.  After a few minutes, he gave in and lowered me from the wall.  Back to the stability of the floor, back to the consistency of my reality.

Once again, I found myself in the middle of a crazy story.  They say you meet all the wrong guys before you meet the right one, and I have definitely met a lot of wrong ones.  I guess I just never thought that they would be this obviously wrong.  The most ridiculous part of this whole deal is that this sort of behavior no longer surprises me.  In fact, the guys who really surprise me are the ones who call when they say they will, who genuinely listen to what I have to say, and who make an effort to communicate with me. Sadly, I’m not the only one in this boat.  Yes, it does help boost my self-esteem a little to know that I am not the only one who is subjected to these types of experiences, but seeing countless other girls in similar situations with completely different guys makes a part of me think that all the good ones are unavailable or non-existent.  Despite all of this I strive to have faith and keep praying that God has the right guy for me out there somewhere because let’s face it…you don’t always get what you deserve, sometimes you deserve a whole lot more.

Is she hot?

The three-word question any single girl with a sister, roommate, friend, or even a mother dreads to answer.  Then again it is also the question any preschool teacher (or any individual who works with kids) dreads asking.  You may not think that these three words, of all the three-word phrases you can say, would have that much of an impact, but they do.

Ask any preschool teacher who has had to ask or answer this question.  The answer to this question may determine the course of your day and possibly even your week depending on the situation at hand.  These three words not only concern one child, but the classroom full of children putting toys in their mouths and their germ-covered hands on anything and everything within reach, including the teacher herself.  I can almost guarantee that any teacher who has had the wonderful opportunity to ask this question is thinking at least 3 things:

1) If this child needs to be sent home, how soon can someone come and get him or her?

2) How many more children are going to be subjected to the same question in the next few days? (assuming of course, that this is the first time this question is being asked) and

3) How many days can I afford to not work in the coming month?

Honestly, the question “Is she (or “he” under these circumstances) hot?” itself doesn’t necessarily make a preschool teacher’s day that much worse even when the child’s temperature has spiked to 102.  It’s when this occurs only an hour after the child was dropped off and the parent is unreachable making it unclear as to when the child will be picked up.  It’s easy for a teacher to feel like her opinion doesn’t matter and like she is being walked all over, particularly in circumstances where the parent’s response is “I was afraid I was going to get this phone call…”  It’s then that you want to say “Actually I don’t appreciate being subjected to whatever sickness that your child had and Yes, it probably would have been better for everyone if you would have kept him or her home today.”  However, in order to keep your job and not be completely unprofessional you just smile and nod, explain the 24-hour fever free policy, and send parent and child home crossing your fingers that this isn’t a trend that you will be seeing among your 17 other students.

So the problem with the question at hand in this case is not just about the possibility of some virus epidemic, but the issue of being respected as a teacher.  Obviously, not every case of a child being sent home with a temperature stems from a parent who has little respect for the teacher.  In some cases, however, it is hard to feel respected when you are left caring for a child who should have never come to school in the first place instead of conducting your day as you had originally planned.  Overall, it comes down to whether or not a teacher feels respected by the parents whose children are in their classroom.

It never ceases to amaze me how much weight can be given to only a few words.  Saying things such as “I hate you,” “I love you,” or “Marry me” can completely change relationships.  The same can be true for the question “Is she hot?” if the “she” in question isn’t a child in your care.  Unfortunately those of us with sisters, roommates, and friends have heard this question all too often.  Some of us have heard it so often that we have almost robotic-script answers.  Most people (and by people I mean the guys who are guilty of asking this question) don’t stop to think about what goes through a girl’s mind when this question is presented.  So for the guys who really don’t know the affect that these words have on your female friends and the girls who have not yet had the pleasure of being asked this question let me speak for girls everywhere who have been victims of this question and try to explain.

It doesn’t matter how we look, how our day is going, or how much self-confidence we have, when put in the position of answering that question we can feel insignificant, unnoticed, and overall crappy.  You might think that we are overreacting or overanalyzing, but give us a break.  Seriously.

1. We are not guys.  This might seem obvious, but when we are put in the position of answering “Is she hot?” you are assuming that we look at the she in question the same way guys do.  We don’t.  This isn’t a locker room.  We aren’t one of your buddies.  Yes, we might be friends, but you wouldn’t open a Victoria’s Secret catalog and ask us to rank the half-naked girls, would you?  And if you would, think about it this way.  Would you do that with your mom or grandma?  I hope not.

2. We already know that you are more “visual” than we are.  We are reminded of this every time your eyes wander to the pretty girl that walks into a room, every time you get distracted by something you see when we are talking to you, every time we read it in magazines, and every time another commercial comes on TV with a “hot chick” selling something she probably knows nothing about or really has nothing to do with.  Reminding us again by asking “Is she hot?” is unnecessary.

3. Knowing all of this, particularly #2 makes us think (whether this is true or not) that you weren’t actually engaged in whatever conversation we were having that prompted you to ask the “Is she hot?” question.  It also makes us think (regardless of how we feel about you) that when you, and all other guys for that matter, look at us all you see is a plain Jane who hopefully has “hot” friends, roommates, or relatives.  Yes, this one may seem like I’m taking this a step too far, but let’s be honest.  If a girl was blatantly using you in hopes that your friends/relatives were more attractive dating options, you probably wouldn’t be feeling like a million bucks.  Same goes for us.  When you ask us “Is she hot?” we might not be crying inside at the realization that you probably have never asked that question about us, but we aren’t feeling like we’ve won the lottery.

So what’s the big deal?  It’s not always that we are devastated that you don’t love us or look at us in that romantic way.  Sure we’d like to find the guy that loves us and thinks that we are beautiful, but let’s be honest, deep down we hope it’s not going to be a guy who is busy thinking about the possible hotness of our friends or relatives.  Is it too much to ask to be treated with respect?  When it all comes down to it, that’s what it’s all about.  Respect.  As a girl who has several guy friends who have asked “Is she hot?” I can tell you that the last thing I feel when I am answering this question is respected.  A part of me wants to burst into song Aretha-style while another part of me hopes to curl up in my pajamas, turn on Lifetime, and eat Ben and Jerry’s out of the carton while drinking several glasses of wine.  Both options, frankly, don’t fix the problem.  One turns me into a crazy, demanding diva who won’t settle until she gets the answer she wants.  The other makes me a foolish, weepy girl whose happiness is dependent on the opinion of men.  So which option allows me to be me?  I really don’t think there is one.  I have to admit, I have not always responded admirably.  But is there an admirable way to respond?

In the end it all comes down to this: it is hard being a woman in a world full of constant reminders that how we look is an enormous part of how other people define us.  It is even harder when we are faced with situations where our appearance is being compared to people we love.  So respect your friends and all the women in your life, and think twice before saying those three little words that can change a friendship…because really, why does it matter?

We all need a good laugh

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused – Shirley Maclaine

I’ve been known to have some pretty ridiculous experiences.  I have also realized that through each and every one of them that I have the ability to laugh about it.  Some days I feel like my life is alternately a primetime television drama and a sitcom.  My life is not quite epic enough to be on a network channel, but not quite cheesy enough to receive the Lifetime label (thank goodness).  It has enough laughable moments to entertain viewers (myself included) for a season or two, but it probably wouldn’t last a decade like some sitcom classics.   This doesn’t stop me from being entertained by television, but it does make me think that I should invest some of my time into making connections with writers to help them come up with material.  Maybe then I could get compensation for some of these awkward moments I’ve endured.  Just a thought.

My ability to laugh at myself has definitely prevented me from taking myself too seriously.  This is mostly a good thing.  It prevents me from sweating the small stuff and getting too caught up in the little things in life.  However there is a downside.  When it comes to actually dealing with some of the deep seeded issues revolving around each experience, laughing about it is more helpful in sweeping it under the rug then helpful in dealing with it.  I’m not going to pretend that my ability to laugh at myself and my experiences isn’t a part of using humor as a defense mechanism.  A part of the reason that I have twisted them into laughable experiences, however, is because I don’t want to accept that I’ve been hurt.  I have been blessed with several wonderful friends who are not only able to laugh with me in these times but also able to see through my humor and support and encourage me through my hurt.  I also have several friends who have had similar experiences.  Our ability to laugh together sometimes plants a seed of hope that it isn’t just my failures that bring about ridiculous behavior from other people while providing some of the best medicine for a hurting soul.

With all of the awkwardness and ridiculousness that my life has seen over the past few years, very little embarrasses me.  So when I finally went on a date with a nice guy who had social skills, and I fell out of my chair into the table awkwardly during our meal, I was barely bothered.  Honestly, if that is the most awkward experience that we have in the time it takes to order and eat a meal, I’ll take it.  It beats sharing the diagnostic criteria for a social disorder with a guy who fits most (if not all) of the main aspects of said disorder.  It’s funny because as I learn to embrace my awkwardness and recognize my inability to answer a question with “no” I have had several dates with people who fall into the low average to below average range of normalcy in terms of social skills.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I truly appreciate individuals who require extra help learning both the explicit and implicit rules that come into play during social interaction.  In fact, working with these kids has made me realize why I have spent my college and grad school years studying language development in children.  I never expected that my studies would be of much use in the area of my dating life.  I have recently encountered some men who have initially demonstrated their capability of being socially appropriate, sometimes falling into the above average range in terms of their social abilities.  This just goes to show that just like you can’t judge a book by its cover, you can’t judge a man’s social abilities by his ability to maintain polite conversation for five minutes.  These same guys with seemingly normal social skills somehow manage to fall into the “needs further assessment” after the initial screening of a first date.  So what’s the prognosis? Will they forever fall into the category of incompetent and hopeless? Probably not.  Will I continue to brave the waters to try and find out?  Definitely not.  Will I wish them the best as they test their social interactions on other unsuspecting females? Definitely yes.

Now I am not walking around considering myself some sort of social genius.  I don’t even know if I can name anyone who may fall into that specific category.  But from what I have learned from all the kids I’ve worked with, there is no such thing as “normal” but there is a distinct difference between those who are awkward and those who just need a few extra cues.  Sometimes, I’ll be honest, I think it’s me.  Maybe I bring out the awkward in people.  Maybe I attract guys with social ineptness.  Hopefully that’s not completely true.  I can appreciate awkward, in fact I actually find it endearing in some cases.  It’s harder for me to appreciate complete lack of social knowledge, especially in the context of a date.  After these dates, I try and attribute them to my crazy ability of attracting these sorts of situations into my life.  I also like to believe that I try to live a life with very few regrets, which sometimes turns into many funny stories.

So in this crazy world where funny stories reign and social skills seem as rare as people wearing sandals in a blizzard, is there hope for a girl like me?  Yes.  Does that hope get delivered to your door in a small package? No.  What I have learned is that even when there seems to be no hope, you have to take a chance.  Because when it all comes down to it, if you don’t take that chance you might be missing out.  Sure, that might mean a few more experiences that become funny stories, but believe me in the end you’ll be happy to have at least a few to share.

First Dates and the First Day of Preschool

If you truly want to experience the life of a preschool teacher you wouldn’t just appear at a school on a random day and expect to completely understand her world.  You would have to start from day one, where everything begins.  Where the screaming and crying echoes over the sounds of a Disney soundtrack, where toys are haphazardly thrown all over the room, where rules are spelled out several times an hour (sometimes to children who are hearing English for the very first time), where lunchtime means trying to keep the ratio of food in kids’ mouths to food on the floor at the very least even, where naptime is far from restful, and where the end of the day can’t seem to come fast enough.  No one could ever truly appreciate the “easy” days unless you’ve seen that very first day.

In my opinion the same seems to be true with dating.  If you truly want to experience the life of a single girl in her 20s you would have to start from date one.  Where awkward questions like “What’s your favorite color?” and “Do you have hobbies?” often lead to fairly awkward conversations or awkward periods of silence.  No one could ever truly appreciate good dates unless you’ve been on at least one fairly awkward or even awful date.

First dates are always interesting.  The “get to know you” questions, the awkward moments of silence, the over-analyzing of brief moments of physical contact, and wondering whether or not there will be a date number two.  All of these things combined with the natural need for self-preservation are what make going on first dates both overwhelming and slightly exhilarating.  It doesn’t matter where you meet or what the first date entails; there will be guaranteed moments of social training in any first date experience…unfortunately in my case I most often feel like the educator.

First days of preschool are again somewhat similar.  The “get to know you” play and questions for the incoming parents, students and teachers, the awkward moments of silence and screaming, the moments of physical contact (boobs being grabbed, hands being tugged), and the wondering whether or not anyone will make it through day one let alone to day two.  It doesn’t matter if there is extra-long outside time or brand new toys to play with; there will be guaranteed moments of social training in every first day of school.  In fact this social training extends for weeks and sometimes months.  In this case, teachers get paid to be the educator.

Playgrounds vs. bowling alleys, snack tables vs. restaurants, circle time vs. happy hour.  In my opinion, each place has its level of educational value.  The context in which education takes place can be crucial to whether or not certain behaviors are learned.  I have learned a ton in the various dates that I have been on, most of it involving an anthropologic type of experience where I seem to step outside of my typical comfortable world and explore the world of single 20-something girls.

One of my biggest “educational” experiences involving a first date was probably by far one of the worst dates I’ve been on.  I have told this story countless times, to friends, co-workers, family, and almost anyone who wanted to hear about it. Every time I tell it, I laugh reminding myself that all the details of this dreadful sitcom-worthy evening were not written by skilled screenwriters in Hollywood, at least to my knowledge.  Sometimes as I tell this story, I am even shocked by the chain of events, questioning how this story is being told once again without exaggeration.

So instead of trying to explain each and every detail of how the night went down, I will instead provide a list of “Things I have learned” from this particular date.

1.  If a guy has to trick you into a date by providing false hope that an evening will include several people you both know, there are 1 of 2 things that could be happening….

• He is really shy or afraid of rejection so he posed the group idea in hopes that you would be more likely to say yes.
• He actually wasn’t tricking you and every other person that was supposed to be involved just happened to have other plans that night.  He will give this answer when you ask.

2.       Eat when there is an opportunity. Whether this is before the date even begins or at the first mention of food, eating will give you the sustenance you need to get through the undetermined amount of time that you might be spending on this date

• You cannot assume that if a guy is picking you up at 5:30 for an event that begins at 7:00 that you will be eating in between…even if you live 10 minutes from where the event is taking place.
• If he comments on how good food at a concession stand smells or looks, and even if he makes a comment about how cheap the food is does not mean that he is going to stop and get anything to eat.  You, however, can make the decision to eat something, your stomach will thank you later.
• After the event is over, no matter how starved you are, just go home and eat something there.  Don’t assume that post-date adventures will involve food.

3.        Some conversations are not worth continuing. Some questions aren’t worth answering.  And as much as I would like to blame awkward conversation on shyness or awkwardness, sometimes it’s simply due to social ineptness.

• There really is no way to have a seemingly normal conversation about certain topics while on a first date unless you already know your date really well or you are a conversational genius.
• Some questions should be left unanswered and should not be probed further…believe me sometimes you just don’t want to know.
• To go along with b. sometimes there is no possible way to make conversation out of some questions…don’t stress out about trying to make something out of nothing.
• Finally, if he starts to say something, but doesn’t complete his thought, maybe it’s a good thing.  If you decide to probe further and he says “I don’t want to say because you might be offended” believe me you don’t want to know, you will be offended.
• Honestly, if you want a good story out of a date that is showing little to no potential, forget about the things I just said and enjoy your conversations or lack there of.

4.       If any point of the date involves the following activities your date might want to reconsider what his definition of a date entails.  If he has any questions this lesson is especially for him.

• Quizzes: Whether it be “Guess my age” or “What kind of BMW do I drive?”  or even something that pertains to a mutual interest like sports teams or music, this is not typically a girl’s idea of romance.  We are not in a library or a classroom.  We are on a date.
• Chasing: Last time I checked it is neither fun nor romantic to chase a guy down the street to make sure he drives you home at the end of a date.  Chasing is for cats and dogs or children on a playground, not for 20-somethings on city streets at the end of a date.  If you absolutely cannot drive a girl home at the very least pay for a cab.
• Comparing: We are not the girls you previously dated (if we are then this technically isn’t a first date), we are not your mother or your sister, and we are not the dancers performing for the professional sports team that we are currently watching.  We are our own person.  We don’t want to be your previous girlfriend, your relative, or any of the other women in your line of sight, so please don’t suggest it.  Also most of us are at least a little self-conscious about our looks, so please don’t compare our size to your size, especially if it is using the word “big” or anything similar.

5.       The previously stated date occurrences are a part of the recipe for an unsuccessful date, but for those of us girls who believe in second chances a single occurrence does not always mean that a second date is completely out of the question.  But for any person who is wondering at the end of a date whether or not there will be a date number two here are a few clues that suggest probably not:

• After committing any of the aforementioned crimes against first dates, he says “I only date older women because I’m really mature for my age.” This comment may be attributed purely to social awkwardness unless it is followed by a game of “Guess my age” where a guess higher his actual age will inspire him repeat “I am really mature for my age.” It does not matter if you are older or he is even slightly more mature than his age suggests, if he has to reiterate his own maturity level he’s not mature enough to see date number two with you.
• After chasing him down the street and walking the 16 blocks in the freezing cold to his car (which he insisted on parking far away for free so he didn’t have to spend any money the entire night), he yells at you for not knowing how to get back to your house.  Apparently, becoming a human GPS is expected after you chase him down the street on a fairly empty stomach.  Unless you are a human GPS and you appreciate this kind of challenge don’t navigate through another date with him.
• The date ends with a side hug (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_Side_Hug) and the words “If you want to do this again you have to plan it.”  If I need to explain why this implies that a second date is most likely out of the question then the rest of the date must not have been that bad.  Remember though, even if you plan the second date, you have very little control over his actions.

My final thoughts…

Well…if you have ever been a preschool teacher who has made it through the first day of school you know that there are a few more days just like that one ahead of you.  In fact, the first day of school tends to be pretty indicative of the first week, which tends to set the stage for the first month.  Yes, eventually it gets easier.  The kids sleep, they eat their lunch, you know what toy will soothe them when they are experiencing separation anxiety.  Your role as a teacher finally starts to look like the role you’d always imagined it to be, through teaching.  Yes there are some bad days thrown in here and there, but nothing you can’t get through after conquering the first day.

The same goes with dating.  The first date tends to be pretty indicative of the rest of the relationship.  Only truly compatible individuals can conquer a disastrous first date and go on to be in the “Facebook official” type of dating relationship.  This is not to say that the first date has to go perfectly; however most of the aforementioned first date experiences that ruin the possibility for date number 2 to be considered has very little to do with circumstance.  Certainly anyone on a first date where awkward comments are made can appreciate the social awkwardness that first dates usually bring.  But in some cases, you don’t want to wait around assuming that it will get easier.  Hoping that the guy will pay for you to eat (or even make eating an option), that he will not protest to driving you home (or make you chase him down the street), and that he will measure up to the standard of maturity that his age suggests or that he has set for himself doesn’t mean things will change.  Your role as a girlfriend or even your role as a girl who is dating does not have to be that of an educator.  Yes, there will be some bad days thrown in here and there, but hopefully with the right guy, none will be as socially awkward as these first dates with the wrong ones.